Feeling meh

Lately I’ve been feeling really down.  Ive been trying to get a better job to  no avail. My gas is off.  I went and tried to get help and was told that they couldn’t help me . They said my gas bill is actually affordable.   Affordable for who? I make  $9.00 an hour when I work. How can i pay 295 if I can barely pay my rent. 
I am at the lowest point in my life. How do I get out of this? I want to work,  I want a good job ,i feel like crying but it wont help.  I will be ok  i guess. Just have to keep fighting. 
I had lost my fight but its slowly coming back. I just can’t get discouraged again. 

So much change

Yesterday I found out a high school friend of mine was shot and killed. It turns out he was my younger cousins dad. Then Before that my god sister’s uncle died. He was sick for a long time from what i was told. Life is so short. I feel bad because i see my family hurting. All I can do is send my prayers and my love to them.

My locs are doing great, a little dry but ok. I have read about people having build up and what not but that is the one thing  i don’t have. My locs reach a little past my shoulders. I am amazed. My hair has never been this long. now to learn styles/

I am now a certified Patient Care tech. You would think i’d be able to get a job fast right? No such luck. Im starting to get fustrated. Then to add insult to injury, my daughter’s father starts up his annual campaign to intimidate me to drop him off of child support.  He swears that he wants to see his daughter, AND from what hes shown me from the last five years of her life, he doesnt want to be bothered.

I am so angry over this, but you know, he keeps telling me that he will take me to court. Funny how, because he wouldnt step foot in the courthouse before.  but now suddenly he lawyers up. Get a job and do right. I never kept him away from this child. That is him. He believes all his own lies about why he can’t be in her life.

Its up to him to talk to me and her. All he wants to do is complain and do wrong. I am done with him and his nonsense.

been a long time

well its been a long time since i posted anything. I had to take a break for a while. It was well needed. My locs are now colored auburn in the front. They reach a little past my shoulders now. I have passed my patient care technician class and am now certified. A job has been a hard thing to get. its not that i havent been trying. i just think the market is not right for this. Now because of this it makes me feel like i just wasted my time.

I am finally over my ex. I am seeing someone and i like him but i am torn.  I dont see him a lot. which irks me. not sure what else to talk about

an update

Today I started my clinical portion of my Pct class. It was a lot to take in. I don’t like it, but it’s a job I’m looking for. Plus I can still sell Avon and write in my spare time.
In my hair news, I can put my hair in a ponytail finally. I still want color but I’m so scared my locs will get messed up. I thought about other ways to color and not sure if it’s worth it.
I made a huge mistake. I started talking to some one new before I was really ready. This isn’t fair to them or me. I want this to be over. I guess it’s going to take time for my heart to stop aching for him.
I have to find a way to make peace with his decision and mine. There are times when I wish he was holding me or just sitting on the couch. I miss the little things the most. A hug and a kiss in the morning, making coffee for him. Just his presence.
For some odd reason I love him still but i keep trying to get over it by not speaking to him. How do you let go?

well here goes nothing

well in the last few days i have been fighting with myself again. its almost the end of another year. i have made my peace with this break up. now i have gotten a call from him. this time he says he has gotten another job. so he now has two jobs. he wants to make it up to me for leaving and hurting me like he did. he asked me to call him, even wants to visit for christmas..i am feeling so conflicted. i have to tell him that maybe its better if he doesnt come here like that. i started seeing someone. its nothing serious, just a good friend. i think cutting him off might be best. i dont know that i’d be alright with him here. i dont know if he’d do anything or try it. i didn’t ask. he wants to buy gifts for my daughter. this is so hard. i want to be friends with him. i truly do but not sure about being around him will be wise. On my hair, my locs are resting on my shoulders, lol!! i am so happy. this is the longest my hair has ever been. i keep feeling weird cause when i turn my head, it feels like someone is tapping my shoulders, but its only  my locs, lol. the news and media are making me annoyed. i am so angry that not only two men died, but two men were not indited.  video proved one was wrong..but he still went free and the man who filmed it is now being indited. this world makes no sense. i know a police officer and he is the kindest one i know. now he will do his job. but i seriously doubt if put in that situation, that he would do the same thing. What i want most is someone i can talk to about my writing. i want to find someone to mentor me with this comic book character. this is hard. i have her look and i will say there is no one that looks like her in either comic book house, DC or Marvel has no one that resembles her. i might have to change her name, cause i did see one character named Genesis.. the reason i want a mentor is because of this naming thing. powers or abilities might be harder. I don’t want to copy someone else’s powers. i titled this post here goes nothing, because i am going to get back to me. i am going to enjoy myself with this guy and i am not going to fall for him..hard as that maybe.

thoughts and feelings

I said i’d try to keep this blog about my loc journey , but its going to be about my thoughts and feelings about my life in general, lol, hair included. I said i love to write and i have started to research for one of my stories. In looking around at the genre i like to write in i have noticed that there aren’t many African American writers of science fiction, fantasy, comic books, and this genre in general. Maybe i have just been to busy with life to look for them. as i write this i am flooded with ideas for stories from looking at some African American fantasy art..beautiful pictures.

on the other part of my life, i think i might have done something crazy. i’m still not quite over my ex. I know its going to take some time and i have met someone. he is older than me, but its nothing definite, only friends. not sure if i want him like that. maybe that is the issue. maybe i’m looking too hard for a guy. i was single for over ten years before i had my youngest. will it be another ten years before i find a husband? I’m not looking now but i am thinking of backing off of this man. im feeling like the jealous girlfriend and we aren’t together…that is a definite sign that i am not ready or cut out for the casual thing..funny how when you are single, guys don’t notice you, but once you are in a relationship and it ends, boom and pow here come the ex’s and others pretending to care..lol pure comedy.
now dont get it twisted, i know i m not every man’s cup of tea, i have my moments and my way of living. I will always be me, uniquely so. will i find someone who compliments me? who knows.

I mentioned that i have locs, and i love them. this is becoming an issue within itself. My natural haired sisters and brothers have been more than welcoming but there are some i seriously wonder what in the hell are they thinking. as a woman who believes when you share something with another person, there should be no color lines, or anything else read or stirred into it. Everyone is entitled to their opinion, but how can they get mad when they say things they know will piss someone off to the highest level of pissivity. i have read comments on social media about locs being thought of as unclean or dirty on not just my race but on others.
this to me is ignorance, and it only infuriates me to the point that i want to find facts to prove otherwise.
what would this do? probably not much. I have things in my life that i am trying to get straight. blogging helps, but its not a cure all. i wont apologise for my thoughts or how i choose to wear my hair or how i think..Despite my ups and downs.
One day i hope to have completed my first novel of supernatural fiction..and maybe a comic book heroine of color less along the lines of Who Wants to Be a Superhero’s? “Fat Momma” and more along the line of Storm and Vixen. i love everyone, so i dont think having pride in your race is wrong unless it gets offensive to everyone,

back to life.

For the last month i have gone from feeling hopeless and lost, angry, to the highest level, and sad. Now that all that is done, i am slowly starting to feel better. he still hasn’t brought back my key and my phone, and picked up the rest of his stuff.

i dont know what is going to happen between us but there is a reason for what happened. I have made my peace with it and i have to try and move on.it wont be easy but i have to do it. this time i will protect my heart and that of my kids. I wont let them meet him until im sure it will work.

a few nights ago i did hang out with someone new. although i think he just wanted sex…well im not that ready just yet.. plus i dont want the rep that comes with doing that. I am just going to get back into the things i used to do before him.

i dont know what the future holds, maybe i was his lesson in what he could have. i believe people are put in your life for a reason. right at the moment, I dont know what the reason was for this man to have been in my life. Maybe it was to teach me to let go, and let someone do something for me.